Fearless Living: Embracing Fear for Personal Growth
TRIGGER WARNING: Talk of mental health and self-harm
Introduction:
Hey friends! I hope you are all enjoying your May long weekend. Yesterday, I had the day off and spent a good chunk of time outside, taking advantage of the beautiful weather to find happiness amidst my heavy spring course load. Don’t be fooled, I was still doing work on our walk. Listening to the audiobook of “Jane Eyre” would not be my first choice of audio to listen to on a walk. I decided to take Moose on a walk to my old campus, where I spent some time reflecting. Revisiting a place tied to many emotions felt strange, especially returning a year later as a different version of myself. I sat in the spot where I’d go when I’d have my worst panic attacks, where I could finally catch my breath. Now sitting there over a year later, the sun beaming on my face, with Moose by my side, I am at my most content. This experience inspired me to write about facing our fears and how it can be a catalyst for personal growth. Yesterday felt like the final checkbox in this chapter of my life, giving me the closure I needed.
Confronting Trauma:
Yesterday, I walked around the city and eventually revisited a place of past trauma, accompanied by Moose. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, my first year of university was challenging, a sentiment many of us share. Much of my trauma was tied to my residence, where I spent the majority of my time. For those familiar with depression, the feeling of being tied down to your bed by the weight of your thoughts is all too real. I chose to stay quiet for too long, and eventually, it caught up with me. It's hard to explain when people ask me why I feel this way and why I decided to open up now. Being in a changed environment and feeling a lack of understanding from those I confided in exacerbated my struggles. When people didn’t respond in the way I needed, I turned to self-harm as a coping mechanism, feeling I "deserved" it on most days. Some days were worse than others, with thoughts keeping me up all night. Eventually, I hit my breaking point, a moment that remains with me but one I often wish to forget. However, I choose not to forget because facing my fears is the first step toward recovery, a lesson I've learned this past year.
It wasn’t until I finally told someone I wasn’t the 24/7 bubbly person they thought I was that things finally began to change. After reaching my breaking point, my mom swooped in to rescue me, staying by my side every step, along with my supportive friends and family, who constantly reached out. Despite my stubbornness and reluctance to listen, my mom tried various approaches to help. We spent Sundays at Michael's art classes meant for kids, and she tried to play the "bad cop" role, which I humorously pointed out she wasn't good at. Eventually, she let me find my way, and I finally did. The changes and challenges over the past year, which included becoming a Walt Disney World cast member, switching schools, altering career goals, and the impending move to Florida in the fall, have all shaped my growth. None of this would have happened if I hadn't faced my truths, opened up, received proper support, and spent time with people whose energy I thrive on.
Embracing Change:
Once I finally faced my fears and stepped forward to get help, positive change followed. Accepting my flaws and developing an action plan helped me break free from the negative cycles of not wanting to get out of bed, feeling the world hated me, and thinking I’d never be good enough for anything or anyone. Even writing this now blows my mind because I could never imagine saying those words to myself today. Choosing to be vulnerable with myself and others made a significant difference. Therapy was a great start. I began it before leaving for Disney and met my personal goals by the end of 2023.
In 2024, I feel confident within myself and comfortable expressing my feelings externally. I've learned to say "no," communicate my feelings to people I care about, and finally trust others and open up. Embracing this new version of myself has given me confidence like no other. This growth feels entirely mental rather than physical, and it's beautiful. I've never felt my head and chest so light. I fully embrace my loud, goofy, bubbly, chatty self. I don’t want to change anything about me because I’ve learned to own my flaws and words. Ultimately, you’re all you've got and must do what's best for you. That is what this year has taught me, and I hope it can help you.
Finding Happiness:
Finally, facing my fears has led me to a more profound sense of self-acceptance and happiness. This journey all started with a mouse who hired me to work at the most magical place on earth in May 2023. My friends and family say those three months changed me, and they did, but what they might not understand is that this has been a work in progress long before then. Moving to Florida was just when I finally became vulnerable and opened up to others. Once I started to be myself, I attracted like-minded people. I harnessed my skills and entirely accepted myself: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the trauma that trails along. I attracted the people I needed most. I also attracted new opportunities, such as accepting my position in the Disney Cultural Representative program in the fall, something I had only dreamed of doing, but never thought I could achieve. These new supportive relationships and opportunities inspired me towards self-discovery and growth, and I began sharing my journey online through my blogs. This year, I switched my career goals from the life sciences, which had always been on the horizon, to creative industries, something I was never surrounded by until recently. It’s never too late to change your path. You should change it more than once until you feel the happiest with yourself and your relationships.
Lessons Learned:
This year has been a catalyst for growth, and it truly began when I took control of my life and faced the fears I needed to confront. What I hope you take away from this is the importance of confronting your inner demons. Once you do, identify what you need from the outside world, take what serves you, and leave behind what doesn't. It's okay to say, "No." However, never holding a grudge or avoiding confrontation is crucial because unaddressed fears prevent you from working through problems. I've learned to let go of people unwilling to compromise and work through issues. The most critical thing in any relationship is that both sides feel valued. While this sometimes takes extra effort, keeping only those willing to do the work, regardless of the relationship type, is essential. Don't fall for false hope; be vulnerable enough to accept that some people won't change, and you can't control that. You can control yourself, your fears, and your flaws. As I've said in previous blogs, “let them” and embrace the "what if" because no matter what, you're still here. You've made it this far, dealing with all your fears and flaws that you thought you could never work through. My friends always ask how I got here, and I am committed to helping others embark on their own journey of self-discovery.
Conclusion:
Looking inward and confronting our fears is crucial for personal growth. Embracing change, accepting our flaws, and being vulnerable with ourselves and others can lead to a more profound sense of self-acceptance and happiness. My journey began with facing my inner demons and seeking help, which allowed me to break free from negative cycles and attract the right people and opportunities into my life. It’s never too late to change your path; you should change it as often as necessary until you find what and who makes you happiest. I encourage you to embark on your journey of self-discovery. Confront your fears, embrace change, and don’t be afraid to seek support. Remember, personal growth is an ongoing process; you are not alone. I am committed to helping others navigate their paths and am here to offer support and guidance along the way. Together, we can achieve the growth and happiness we all deserve.
